It’s been one of those really rough days! Your child has been acting out and testing you with everything.

You’ve been patient and tried talking to him nicely. You’ve given warnings and reminders of behavior expectations hoping to get through to him. But now your patience is gone, and your frustration is at an all time high.

You are absolutely done with this behavior – It’s time for a time out!

When young children misbehave we want to send them away to a time-out space (typically a chair or their bedroom). We set a timer, walk away, and when the time is up we allow them to come back and join the group.

Kids of all ages fight and resist being sent to time-out. They cry and scream and yell.  The situation escalates into something much bigger than necessary.

You’re left with either a battle much harder than the original behavior really warranted or you’re forced to give up and walk away from the situation exhausted and defeated.

Originally, back in the 1960’s time-out was developed as an alternative to more harsh punishments like spanking and was considered a more positive practice for managing misbehavior. 

The thought behind time out was well intentioned. Time out would give children the space they needed to calm down, to think, and then to behave better. It was never intended to become another form of punishment. 

As researcher’s have studied the punitive nature that time-out has evolved into, and as we’re learning more about the brain and child development, we now know that time-out has negative effects on children, and very little learning (if any) comes from putting kids in time-out.

Isolating kids and sending them away to time-out (especially our little guys) when they’re misbehaving actually goes against what they really need when they’re acting out, which is more connection – not disconnection.

Your child sitting in time out is not thinking about what they did wrong. They’re not quietly contemplating how they can fix their behavior.  

Time out is focused solely on stopping unwanted behaviors. It does nothing to change the behaviors that get kids in trouble and sent to time out in the first place.

Time out also doesn’t teach the new skills or behaviors your child needs so they can behave better moving forward – and avoid being sent to time out.

Time-out is a broken tool.

When our kids challenge us with problematic behaviors rather than looking at the behavior and thinking how we can get rid of it (which usually means time out or punishment) we need to instead think of the behavior as communication.

Your child’s misbehavior is not random. All behavior has purpose and meaning. When we focus on behavior as communication it allows us to look at the behavior differently and we’ll respond differently. We can respond with more love, connection and support – it’s what kids need!

When we take time to sit with our kids, connect with them, and try to understand their behavior we create a space in our relationship for warm leadership in our parenting.  

Our children become more responsive to our support, coaching and guiding them to choose better behaviors in the future. After all isn’t that what it’s really all about- learning to make better behavior choices?

When we make the time for connection, focus on understanding the behavior, give kids time to self-regulate and feel calm, and we guide them through considering better behavior choices it’s called Time In.

Time in is responsive to meeting children’s needs. Traditional time-out, thinking children will figure it out while sitting alone is inaccurate parenting from the past.

Childhood is a time for learning and making mistakes. Our role as parents is not about having control over our children’s behavior but rather helping them develop important life skills (like their behavior choices) they need to be happy and successful. Building these skills takes time, support, patience, guidance and lots of time in.

If you’re right in the thick of it dealing with misbehavior, I hope you have found this post helpful.

If you’re at your wits end with your child’s behavior don’t hesitate to get in touch and we can see if I might be able to help. You can email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Always remember children are individuals and there’s no one size fit’s all to parenting. It’s important to find the parenting that works best for you and your family.

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Your child’s potential is limitless. Their success begins with you.

Your parenting counts!

Pediatricians, therapists, and preschool teachers alike know play is an integral part of a child’s early years. It’s one of the main ways children learn and develop, and it also contributes a great deal to the mental health and happiness of your little guys. That said, there’s still quite a lot of conflicting information out there about the true value of play. 

Is play that powerful and important for your kids? Should their early years be about playful discovery? And one that definitely crossed my mind as a parent, so I can imagine it’s crossed yours as well- Are they really learning while they’re playing?

So to help answer some of these questions, let’s dive into three reasons why as parents you need to make sure to protect your children’s play time. Let them play, and what’s more, create free time for unstructured, child directed play. 

1. 1. Play and learning are not mutually exclusive. Research shows us that play is more than just kids keeping busy or having fun - It is a source of development for them. 

When your kiddos are playing all kinds of skills are developing- language skills, gross and fine motor skills, cognitive skills, creativity, self-control, body awareness, decision-making skills, emotional regulation, social skills and play helps them develop the ability to concentrate too. Your little ones develop these myriad of skills through hands-on exploration, movement, pretend play, building, and outdoor fun. The more they play the more brain growth and development occurs.

2. 2. It’s not just for their childhood that play is important. There are some significant long term gains too. Longitudinal studies have shown that social skills in kindergarten are predictive of positive outcomes in early adulthood more so than academics in kindergarten. In the study, kindergarteners who had more developed social skills (sharing, taking turns, teamwork, communication, compassion and problem-solving) were more likely to go to college, get a job, stay away from drugs and alcohol, and have problems with the law at age 25. Imagine how this perspective could help influence your kiddo’s emergence into their school years!

3. 3. Over the past several decades there has been a decrease in the amount of time American children spend in free time and in self-directed play. At the same time we’ve also seen an increase in mental health disorders among kids. Anxiety and depression are on the rise, and researchers believe there’s a direct correlation between the decrease in play and increase in psychopathologies. Time spent on technology and organized activities have taken over children’s free play time. When children play they become absorbed in what they’re doing. They develop a sense of their abilities and strengths, and they feel good about themselves. Play builds a child’s confidence and self worth and helps create space for better mental health.

Providing your toddler or preschooler with ample opportunities for play provides so much more than “fun”. Play allows children to relax, let off steam, and is a powerful teaching and learning tool. Your children want to play. Watching them I bet you’ll begin to notice that they are naturally driven to play. So now you know, they really are learning and playing. How will you give your little ones the time and space for the unstructured play experiences they want and need? 

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed, confused, or frustrated with your kids and you want a safe place to go to talk about your parenting challenges without feeling judged, criticized, shamed, or uneasy, I can help.

Contact me to schedule a free phone conversation to see if my coaching is right for you and your family. You can email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Your child’s potential is limitless. Their success begins with you.

Your parenting counts!

“What makes a quality preschool and how do I choose a good school for my child? “

This is a question I’m asked often from anxious parents feeling overwhelmed, trying to pick a school for their child. The next question I usually get asked is “Which schools do you recommend?”

Many of you know me from the parent coaching work I do. What you may not know is I’ve spent more than 10 observing in preschool classrooms and coaching dozens of early childhood educators across Orange County on understanding children’s behavior, reducing challenging behaviors in the classroom, and teaching more social-emotional curriculum to support learning and good mental health in preschoolers.  

Since I have this first hand preschool knowledge and I’m approached so often by parents looking for quality preschool programs, I want to work to bring together parents looking for schools with the schools I know and trust that are working hard to make a difference in the program they offer the children and families they serve. I’ll be highlighting schools I’ve toured (and asked all the right questions), done classroom observations in and/ or coached with the staff.

I recently spent some time with two fully devoted and totally awesome teachers from University Synagogue Preschool in Irvine. Both of them are very enlightened when it comes to teaching and what matters most for preschoolers. I asked them questions I feel most parents want to know and some questions parents need to know the answers to.  Here’s the highlights of what Jordana Kahn and Andrea Gosselin who would be involved in teaching our youngest kiddos, the 2 year old’s at University Synagogue Preschool had to say:

Share with me your thoughts on what you’re most focused on teaching this youngest group of preschoolers

For the twos, the year centers around separation and feeling comfortable at school. Getting used to routines. It’s about building trust between kids and teachers. We have to help them with separation and build that trust before any other part. So for us the first major thing is getting the kids comfortable and getting the parents comfortable. I always try to think, if I was leaving my child would I be comfortable leaving them in this classroom. We try to put ourselves in the parent’s shoes and make sure everything feels warm and welcoming and we’re on top of everything so they feel comfortable. Kids feel so much and if they notice their parents are hesitant then they’re not going to be so comfortable.

It’s also about social skills and learning to play with peers– sharing, using language, and taking turns and all the frustration that comes with that. We provide vocabulary for talking about their feelings. They’re learning to understand their feelings and we provide a safe place where all feelings are okay.

Language is also played into every single part of our day and what the kids do. We’re always modeling appropriate language. As teachers were constantly talking in like two year old speak for sure, “Can I have a turn?”

To teach the kids we use lots of flannel stories, songs and books. We have really open ended circle time. We make sure the kids thoughts and opinions are brought in and respected.

Language leaps definitely happen by the second part of the year and the kids are more independent. Now that they good with separation and they have a good relationship with us we start working on independence and self -help skills. We give them a lot of opportunities to do things by themselves – taking things out their cubbies, opening and closing things in their lunchbox, pouring water, zipping and unzipping. We build this skill gradually in them so we can build their confidence and not overwhelm them. We want to make sure that by the end of the year when they get to the three year old room they are ready.

Many of the kids have been home with mom and haven’t been in school before. There’s a lot that comes with being in a social environment so we teach them how to play. We have lots of opportunity for them to play and we’re in the play area playing with them or naturally modeling appropriate play for them. Play with a purpose for sure.

There’s also a lot of messiness that happens at school that doesn’t always happen at home - we encourage kids to have fun and that may mean getting dirty too.

How do you feel parents can best help get their little ones ready for preschool?

I always tell parents to talk about school a lot. Bring their kids to visit often before school starts and take pictures of the school and the playground so you can talk to your child and show them pictures to remind them of the school they going to.  Read books about going to school so they’re learning about school. Also encourage them to start doing some things on their own, starting that independence which I know is hard and requires a lot of patience. And leave them in the care of others- a friend or a grandparent to help with the separation.

Why do you love about working with this age?

I can’t even imagine teaching any other age. There’s an excitement about everything. Everything is new for them. And their pride in themselves when they do new things. The nurturing also really comes easy to me and I can connect with the kids and the parents in a warm and fuzzy way and create such strong bonds with the children and the parents. I get to hold the parents’ hands and I get to hold the kids hands. You get to grow with the kids’ and you get to grow with the parents and its just such a privilege.

This interview has been shortened for the sake of time spent reading on the blog. If you would like to know more about what Jordana and Andrea had to say please feel free to email me. If you’d like to learn more about the preschool or take a tour of the school please get in touch with the director, Heidi Kahn. You can reach Heidi at 949-553-3535 or email her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

If you’ve read ALL the parenting books and still struggling with power struggles, tantrums or defiance with your little one I can help. If you’re thinking, “what am I doing wrong? Why isn’t what I’m doing working?” I can help. And if you’re using time out, punishment, and yelling and want more effective and simple strategies I can help.

If you want to learn more about how I can help you, or if you want to schedule a free phone conversation to see if my coaching is right for your family, please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Your child’s potential is limitless. Their success begins with you.

Your parenting counts!

The start of a new school year-For some of us this comes with great excitement and joy, but for others it’s a time of uncertainty, fear and lots of tears if we’re being honest. And I'm not just talking about the littles. For many, this August or September will mark the end of the little years and the start of a whole new season with school aged children. Whether it’s starting preschool, moving to a different classroom with new teachers, or learning to make new friends, these new milestones and changes often bring anticipation and any number of emotions for parents and kids alike.

For children, not knowing what to expect from this new experience can be a source of anxiety. This is especially true for little ones just starting preschool for the first time - being separated from you and starting something unfamiliar is really hard.  

As you approach this milestone don’t be surprised if you find yourself continuously navigating conflicting emotions. As parents, you may be excited about the fun your kids will have and the new friends they’ll make, but understandably you may also feel sad your baby is growing up (Don’t worry, you’re not alone if you’ve cried already). Many of you may worry about the safety, what group care might look like, and the happiness of your child while you’re not there. These emotions are normal.

Although it’s difficult in the moment, it’s important to remember that separation anxiety is a normal part of child development too. It is natural for young children to feel anxious when you say goodbye. However, with empathy, understanding, and by implementing some of the simple strategies listed below you and your child can be better prepared for the big day. And maybe relieve some of that separation anxiety while you’re at it!

Practice Separation. If your child is starting preschool soon you can practice time apart by leaving them with a caregiver for brief periods of time. This can include a babysitter or dropping them off at a friend’s home for a time while you leave to go run some errands. To be more successful with this do not leave your toddler or preschooler for the first time when they are hungry or tired. (Trust me on that last one!)

Talk about school starting. It’s healthy for children to talk about their feelings. They don’t benefit from “not thinking about it.” In fact, none of us do and things (feelings) often feel lighter when we carry the load together. You can read books about starting school, then talk about the story and how the characters are feeling. Use the opportunity to ask your little one how they’re feeling. Use pretend play to explore the idea of preschool. Take turns being the parent, child and teacher. Let your child ask questions. Be patient and empathetic with their questions and their feelings.  Talking about school and having all their questions answered reduces anxiety while helping children feel more in control.

Play at the new school and get the teacher involved. To increase your child’s comfort with the new setting visit the new school together and see if you can play on the playground a few times before your child starts. To ease your child’s transition into their new classroom it’s helpful if you can meet the teacher beforehand. Share with your child’s teacher about their eating, sleeping and toileting habits. Depending on the class structure, share information about games they like to play, songs they like to sing, and what techniques you use at home to calm your child down when they’re upset or anxious. Developing a team approach with your child’s teacher will undeniably serve you and your child well all year long.

Develop a special good-bye ritual. Rituals are reassuring and comforting for kids. They help your child know what to expect and prepare for what will happen next. They can be as simple as a wave through the window, a special hug, kiss, or a handshake. Develop your special ritual now before school starts so it’s familiar and comfortable to your child when you drop them off at school. And whatever ritual you choose, be consistent. Consistency is key here.

Bring a familiar object. Let your little one bring a little reminder of home. This can be anything that brings comfort and happiness to your child – a favorite toy, a blankie, or a family photo. Comfort objects can provide a real sense of security when children are in an unfamiliar environment. Sometimes a little trinket they can keep in their pocket and feel throughout the day makes a big difference

Don’t sneak away. Tell your child you’re leaving and that you’ll return. Children feel more afraid if you suddenly disappear while they are distracted from you. Reassure your child that he or she will be just fine. Keep your goodbye short and sweet then go- I know this part is usually the toughest for us, but don’t stall. Setting these limits will help your little one with the adjustment period and provides for an easier separation as the days go on.

Keep positive and calm during the separation. Children pick up on your mood. If you are nervous, anxious, or worried your child will pick up on this. If your child sees that you are positive and calm, you provide them with the opportunity to be calm too. 

Remember, starting school or starting a new year with new teachers, new classroom, and new friends is a positive milestone for you and your child. For some kids a complete and successful transition can take months, and that is ok. If your child has a bad reaction to starting preschool or starting a new school year, develop a team approach with your child’s teacher. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and work together to make school a positive part of your child’s new routine.

Toddlers and preschoolers are incredibly complex, growing at extremely rapid rates in many different areas of development. Part of this this development means ‘trying on’ different behaviors as they seek to understand the world around them. Rarely are there clear-cut answers or magic bullets that will solve all of your parenting challenges while navigating your little ones development. As your parenting coach, I walk beside you through these challenges - giving you insights you may have missed and new strategies to try - but also providing support, encouragement and a place to come back to when a new problem pops up (or an old problem makes a reappearance!)

If you relate to any of this information and want to learn more about how I can help you, or if you want to schedule a free phone conversation to see if my coaching is right for your family, please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Your child’s potential is limitless. Their success begins with you.

Your parenting counts!

Want More Appropriate behavior?

No surprise here, especially for those of us who’ve been hanging the parenthood for a while, but children aren’t born knowing how, why, or when to behave well. They aren’t born knowing how to take turns, not to color on the walls, or how to control their big emotions when you won’t buy them a new toy at the store. We’ve all been there- about to say no to the candy they tried to sneak into the cart during checkout and potentially moments from a meltdown. As parents, we do the hard stuff (and say No), because it’s our job to teach our kids impulse control and the behaviors they will need to be more successful and happier in life.

Teaching young children appropriate behaviors is hard work and takes time.

There is no magical, easy, or perfect approach to teaching children to make better choices or to encourage new behaviors. There’s no one-size-fits all approach either, because children are different and parents are different too. What works for one family might not work for another. So to help you out, let’s dive into five basic reminders all parents should consider for constructively teaching new behaviors:

1. 1. Love. Your children need to feel your unconditional love every day. Kids need to know they are loved for who they are, not just when they are being good. Make time every day to give your kids your positive attention. When we work at building loving relationships with our kids where bonds are built on trust and mutual respect, behavior changes. 
2. 2. Be mindful of your own emotions.Adding your own emotions to your children’s intense emotions is never constructive. When you find yourself getting upset it’s   time to slow down, take a deep breath and think of the bigger picture. Decreasing your stress and keeping calm allows you to intervene with your child and their behavior in a way that doesn’t make things worse.
3. 3. The reasons behind a child’s behavior matter.Behavior happens for a reason. It’s not random. Behavior is purposeful, and children use their behavior to communicate. When you pay attention to what your child might be needing in the present moment you are on your way to understanding the motivation for your child’s behavior. When  you recognize the particular source of a behavior you can then accurately teach your child more positive and effective ways to get their needs met. When you know the behavior’s source you can also be more thoughtful and kind in your parenting response.  
4. 4. Find the proper parenting tools.You can’t approach every misbehavior in the same way (that’d be too easy, right?). It’s essential to have a variety of parenting tools at your disposal to effectively address the multitude of behavior challenges that arise in childhood. These tools should be focused on positive discipline rather than relying on punishment to change behavior. Not enough tools in your toolbox? It may be helpful to take a parenting class or meet with a parenting professional to learn more strategies that are helpful, effective, and suited to your specific parenting needs.
5. 5. Give extra support and extra practice.Learning new behaviors takes time. Mistakes are going to happen along the way. As parent’s it requires us to be consistent and patient. Children should know the exact behavior that is expected of them and they should know the rules and the limits. When children struggle to learn from the process we have in place we need to take extra time to clarify the process and to be willing to keep teaching. 

As you discipline misbehavior keep in mind your child’s need for a sense of love and belonging in your family unit. Always keep in mind the first and most important reminder, Love.

Behavior is learned over our lifetime and shaped by the environment in which we grow up in. Parents aren’t always perfect and neither are children. Don’t hold your children to adult standards. Have realistic expectations for yourself and your kids. Behavior changes come with time and effort, and making changes requires lots of practice for all involved. Remember, no one ever prepared to run a marathon in a day- It’s tough, for sure on some days more than others, but when it comes to teaching our littles, a little patience goes a long way.

Changing patterns of behavior is hard and it can be confusing and challenging to try new things. It’s also easy to give up when something new doesn’t work out and then to come up with plenty of excuses about why it doesn’t work.

I need you to know support is always available. If you relate to any of this information and want to learn more about how I can help you, or if you want to schedule a free phone conversation to see if my coaching is right for your family, please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Your child’s potential is limitless. Their success begins with you.

Your parenting counts!

Aggression is really hard to watch as a parent. It’s very upsetting to see our children hurting someone else. Few things trigger parents as quickly as when our children are yelling at us, slapping us, or sinking their teeth into a playmate’s arm (this might be the worst right?). 

Not only is our children’s angry and aggressive behavior extremely concerning to us it also likely brings on feelings of shame and embarrassment. If the behavior has been happening for a while, you’re likely tired of it already.  Maybe you’re starting to feel helpless and possibly seriously doubting your parenting abilities -why is this behavior still happening?

The Why Behind Aggression

Toddlers and preschooler’s brains are continuously developing and becoming capable of more complex feelings. In times of outburst behavior children typically have intense emotions going on- confusion, frustration, anxiety, overwhelm, or disappointment. Something is going on or something happened that triggered these feelings inside, and your child doesn’t yet have the ability to understand and cope with their big feelings appropriately. Often they’ll react by yelling, throwing things, slamming doors, and hitting you, siblings or friends.  Your children don’t have the words or skills to do better in this moment, and although it may not feel this way, this is the best they can do. 

As a parent, you know you need to respond to your child and their behavior, and you’ll do whatever it takes to stop the aggressive behavior. You might already have a battle plan. Maybe you start off calm and with patience, hoping to diffuse the situation. When this doesn’t work, you may yell or threaten timeout. Sometimes we jump to other punishment or consequences to try to stop the behavior. In the end, you may end up matching their emotional intensity in a desperate attempt to calm the situation and stop the barrage of negative behavior.

The reality - When your children act out aggressively they need your help. This is not a time for punishment or consequences.

In this moment, your child needs you to look past their behavior and instead understand the needs driving their behavior. They’ll also need your help managing their big feelings. You can best support your kids by shifting the focus from wanting to stop the behavior, to wanting to understand the aggression. 

At its core, behavior is a form of communication, and when a child behaves aggressively communication is happening. Now it may not be the way we’d like to see it, but real feelings are being communicated with hands and feet instead of useful words. So, in moments like these it’s best to step back and see the bigger picture – we need to figure out the why behind the behavior.

There are a few common sources that may be triggering your child’s aggressive responses. Many of these are going on beneath the surface and are not observable to you.

1. Environmental Factors – Are there environmental factors that may be contributing to the behavior? Do they feel unsafe? Is the environment overstimulating for your child- too crowded, too noisy, too busy? Is the environment not stimulating enough? Is your child bored? Is your child feeling rushed?
2. Physical Needs – Is your child hungry, thirsty or tired?
3. Verbal Ability - Many children have difficulty expressing their thoughts and feelings. With younger children, there is the added piece that their ability to communicate and be understood through language is limited. This inability to express themselves can lead to frustration which in turn comes out as aggression.
4. Need for Power - Young children want to be independent and many little ones act out when they feel trapped or powerless. Maybe they weren’t given choices, maybe something was taken away, or maybe they weren’t able to accomplish something independently.
5. Need for Attention – It’s common for children act out in an effort to connect with you and get your attention or to get other children to notice them.
6. Limited Skills –Young children have limited coping and problem solving skills and a very limited ability to deal with big emotions. Consider if there are there specific skills that need to be taught and developed for your child?

When trying to figure out the why or source behind your child’s aggressive behavior begin by being curious instead of critical of their behavior. Here’s where you can truly make a big parenting shift! 

If aggression is a sign that your child needs your help and you’ve decided to be curious about their behavior, this is a great time to stop, take a deep calming breath and consider these questions:

1. What is my child likely thinking in this moment?
2. What is my child likely feeling in this moment?
3. What might be difficult for him/her right now?
4. What skills does my child need to learn?

Children really do have lots to learn when it comes to understanding their feelings and doing better with their emotional regulation. And there is no doubt one of the more difficult aspects of parenting is remember in the moment, when your kids are behaving aggressively, they need your understanding and guidance. It’s remembering they need to know they can depend on you and trust you to be strong, calm, confident, and empathetic while they’re in the middle of their big, overwhelming emotional storm.  And it’s remembering any teaching, consequences, or problem solving around the situation can always be addressed later when calm and clarity has been restored.

Have you ever done an internet search for information on discipline? There’s so much out there it’s astounding what pops up.  Not to mention there is conflicting information waiting around nearly every corner, so it can feel overwhelming and virtually impossible to make sense of it all.  With this in mind, lets dive right into discipline and parenting effectively and hopefully find a little clarity!

Google defines discipline as the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior using punishment to correct disobedience. At the opposite end of the arena founder of Positive Discipline, Jane Nelson, explains that Positive Discipline is a way of teaching and guiding children by letting them know what behavior is acceptable in a way that is firm, yet kind. 

It’s helpful to grow our understanding of the differences between traditional discipline as we know and talk about it and positive discipline. 

How we discipline our kids has long term effects, and our reliance on punishment to manage our parenting can lead to anxiety and more aggression in children. Often there are three terms we commonly hear associated with discipline however when it comes to positive discipline, you’ll notice punishment is not connected to this approach to parenting. Instead, positive discipline focuses on coaching or teaching appropriate behavior within the context of a safe relationship. It also places emphasis on these core components:

Natural Consequences – Consequences that occur naturally in a cause-effect relationship. For example, if your child doesn’t want to eat anything that’s on the menu for dinner at your house, he’ll miss out on eating a meal. If your child insists on taking their favorite toy to the park and that toy gets lost, she’ll no longer have her favorite toy to play with. We do not add lectures or exacerbate the situation by saying phrases like, “I told you so” (Sound familiar? I’m sure we’ve all done that a time or two). We also must not get into the habit of rescuing children from experiencing such consequences as they are often a powerful learning opportunity. The only time these consequences are not okay is if they could cause physical harm (i.e. running into the street might cause you to be hit by a car) or they are so far in the future your child likely won’t connect the two events (i.e. if you keep grabbing toys from friends they won’t want to play with you.) Truthfully, so much learning happens with natural consequences.

Logical Consequences – Consequences created and imposed by you that are associated with a poor choice or the child’s undesired behavior. For example, “Because you don’t respect the limits of turning off the TV when your TV time is done, you will not be allowed to watch TV for the next two days,” or “If you continue to ignore my instructions to clean up your toys, the next time I have to do this, I'll be keeping each toy I have to pick up for two days.” Logical consequences are designed to help your children better remember and understand what is expected in the future. Expect your kids to test limits several times, honestly this is a natural part of childhood. Remaining calm in your tone and body language and staying consistent are key elements to implementing logical consequences, so it’s crucial that you choose consequences that you are able to live with and follow through on consistently.  

Punishment – When we are aiming to focus on positive discipline punishment is actually not necessary. Most of the time punishment is imposed during moments of overwhelm, frustration or anger with your little one’s behavior. It’s why we always do our best not to discipline a child in anger. Punishment doesn’t follow a logical or natural progression, and it is often extreme in regards to the amount of time or specific punishment that we impose. Imposing a punishment can cause anger, resentment and frustration in kids, and when we use it repeatedly it can have long term implications with your relationship with your child. An example of punishment would be, “You never listen when I tell you to pick up your toys, you don’t get dessert or TV time for the next week!” Punishment typically is about control and involves fear, force, shame, pain, blame or a threat to get kids to comply.  Whether it’s spanking, yelling, taking away privileges, or giving time-outs research indicates punishment is typically the least effective form of discipline. It does little to reduce children’s problem behaviors, and it often leads to a power struggle between the parent and child.

Coaching or teaching appropriate behavior within the context of a safe and loving relationship is always an option and parenting with love and positive discipline is always the best option. 

If you’re right in the throes of parenting a toddler or preschooler I hope you have found this post helpful. If you’re struggling or at your wits end, don’t hesitate to reach out and we can see if I might be able to help. Always remember children are individuals and it’s important to find the parenting that works best for you and your family.

We’ve all been on the receiving end of questions like, “is she crawling?” or “is he walking yet?” Everyone wants to know when they’re rolling, sitting, and cruising. If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, worrying, or comparing your little’s progress in this one arena to that of other children, chances are you’re not alone. It’s hard not to focus on the noteworthy physical and academic developmental milestones when they’re the first things everyone wants to talk about in most parenting circles. As a society, we put an incredible amount of emphasis on meeting (or not meeting) these physical and cognitive milestones. So much so that maybe we don’t create enough space for social-emotional development.  

Development in this specific area actually plays a critical role in achieving what most of us consider to be one of our most important tasks as parents- Raising good humans. So let’s quickly break down what it is and why we should give it a little more attention.

What is social-emotional development?

By its very definition social-emotional development includes the child’s experience, expression, and management of emotions and raising the ability to establish positive and rewarding relationships with others.

Why it’s such a big deal...

Generally speaking, social-emotional development lays the foundation for your child to learn indispensable skills such as cooperation, following directions, demonstrating self-control and paying attention- Skills they’ll need increasingly more as they venture beyond home to places like school, the workforce, and later on other meaningful relationships.

Now how can you encourage this critical development? Actually, the biggest way you support your child’s development here is by having a trusting, caring, and overall positive relationship with them. If you were worried that maybe you’ve been focused too much on the physical milestones, don’t stress just yet! Without a second thought you are most likely already doing some important little things that support your child’s development on a daily basis. Little acts like a reassuring hug, acknowledging bravery when faced with something stressful, showing and sharing excitement over successes, or praise for helping with everyday tasks at home all make a huge impact when it comes to social-emotional development.  

When talking about social-emotional development it’s important we keep in mind that children develop these skills at different rates and all kids will bloom when they are ready. That’s because for new learning and skills to come on board prior foundational skills are needed to have come on board. Every child will do their growing and learning when they’re meant to do it. When we compare our kids to others’ we feel pressured and anxious. The comparisons and competition may motivate us to force their learning creating an environment of frustration, confusion and overwhelm for both parents and kids. When we try to rush children’s development we truly do more harm than help.

Changing patterns of behavior is hard, and it can be confusing and challenging to try new things. It’s also so easy to give up when something new doesn’t work out and then to come up with plenty of excuses about why it doesn’t work and resort back to old habits.

I want you to know my support is always available.

If you relate to any of this information and want to learn more about how I can help you, or if you want to schedule a free phone conversation to see if my coaching is right for your family, please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Your child’s potential is limitless. Their success begins with you.

Your parenting counts!

This post is a guest article written by Amber Navarro. Amber is a birth doula and certified lactation educator & counselor. She graduated from the University of California, Irvine with a degree in Psychology. She currently lives in Orange County, Ca with her husband and three boys where she's found a home within the birth community. Her work as a doula allow her to utilize her passion for pregnancy, birth, babywearing, and breastfeeding to support new parents.

Feeding preferences, sleep arrangements, public school education, private school or homeschooling… There’s a lot to consider when it comes to how to raise a good human. Over the years though research has helped us understand that while these lifestyle choices play an important role in our parenthood journey, what’s more impactful is how we actually parent. How we approach things like communication or discipline, and how we interact with our children every day. These elements represent key building blocks when it comes to shaping our child’s behavior during the little years and beyond. In fact, we can even go as far as saying certain styles of parenting children tend to be linked with more positive behavioral outcomes.

The Four Main Styles

Even with our many outward differences in approach (like “crunchy” or “tiger” and the latest being the “snowplow” or “lawnmower” parent) as parents we still share many similarities. So much so that researchers have been able to pinpoint four main styles of parenting.

Authoritative parents are nurturing, responsive, and supportive, yet set firm limits for their children. They are open to children’s feelings, willing to listen to questions and open to hearing their child’s viewpoint, although won’t always agree with it. When children fail to meet expectations these parents turn to effective discipline methods rather than punishment.

We can think of Authoritarian parents as “the disciplinarian”- they put a great deal of emphasis on obedience and control. When children break the rules it usually results in punishment.

In other parts of the parenting arena there are Permissive parents who are sweet and loving but tend to miss the mark where setting limits are concerned (think “kids will be kids” and “I want to be friends with my child”). Lastly, there are the Uninvolved parents who are generally detached from their child’s life and are unresponsive, unavailable and rejecting.

Your Style… and Why it Matters

Now as you might have guessed, the parenting style most linked with positive outcomes is Authoritative. Children really thrive off nurturing, firm limits and our guidance. When these are present in our parenting style children are more friendly, cooperative, goal oriented, curious and have better self-control.

So what’s your parenting style? If at first glance you’re thinking you might fall more into one of the other three categories, don’t worry! Many of us end up with a particular parenting style based on how we were parented- what was modeled for us. Knowledge is power here. With awareness of where we fall on this parenting style spectrum we have the opportunity to make the changes necessary to cultivate these more positive parenting traits in ourselves – and our kids will surely benefit.

Changing patterns of behavior is hard, and it can be confusing and challenging to try new things. It’s also so easy to give up when something new doesn’t work out and then to come up with plenty of excuses about why it doesn’t work and resort back to old habits.

I want you to know my support is always available.

If you relate to any of this information and want to learn more about how I can help you, or if you want to schedule a free phone conversation to see if my coaching is right for your family, please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Your parenting counts!

This post is a guest article written by Amber Navarro. Amber is a birth doula and certified lactation educator & counselor. She graduated from the University of California, Irvine with a degree in Psychology. She currently lives in Orange County, Ca with her husband and three boys where she's found a home within the birth community. Her work as a doula allow her to utilize her passion for pregnancy, birth, babywearing, and breastfeeding to support new parents.

You’re trying to sit them in that little spot atop the grocery cart, and they let their little body go limp. Angry protests fall from their adorable pout, “NO!” What feels like forever but is actually just minutes of tears and unsettled behavior ensues. You feel your cheeks blush as a wave of warmth washes over your body. What is going on here? It feels like every day for the last few weeks has been a struggle with your child – their behavior is challenging and they’re difficult to manage.

Little People and Big Emotions

First, if this sounds even a little familiar… if you’ve ever found yourself wondering where your cute and once calm partner in crime disappeared to, you’re in good company. Those of us in the trenches of parenthood refer to these trying seasons as the “terrible twos” or “treacherous threes,” but in the scientific community these seasons represent marked stages of equilibrium and disequilibrium in your child’s development. Stages where your child may transition from a calm, confident, easier to live with state where behavior is smooth to one that finds them unsettled, difficult to manage, and uneasy with themselves and the world. These stages of calm and unsettled begin at birth and ebb and flow well through the teen years as children are growing and evolving.

What to expect when expecting changes...

During the first year, your baby is in a near constant state of growth and learning - often experiencing these transitions from one stage to another on a weekly basis. Then beginning around 18 months these stages start to occur less often or around every 6 months during the toddler, preschool and kindergarten years, until the age of 6.

Now the frequency of these tough seasons may seem overwhelming, but truly knowledge is power here. When we know more about what is taking place for our kids we’re better prepared to support our children and ourselves. For example, during stages of disequilibrium (think ‘terrible twos’) your toddlers will be hard at work mastering new physical and social skills, so one way to support them would be to avoid introducing any big changes like new sleeping arrangements or potty-training. Also take heart, mama - when they throw a tantrum or struggle, they don’t do it at you. Try to remember, it’s about what’s going on for them developmentally, it’s not personal. This would be a time to give lots of extra hugs.

We all have an inherent desire for calm and to be at equilibrium, so these periods of growth are difficult for you both.

  Common ages for disequilibrium:

18 mo, 2 ½, 3 ½, 4 ½, 5 ½

Common ages for equilibrium:

2, 3, 4, 5, 6 

Key points to remember when it comes to stages of disequilibrium: they are normal, they are a sign that new skills are being acquired, and they are temporary. Be patient during the tough months and truly savor the easier (not necessarily always easy) times of equilibrium. After all, these peaks and valleys represent what life is all about.

Changing patterns of behavior is hard, and it can be confusing and challenging to try new things. It’s also easy to give up when something new doesn’t work out and then to come up with plenty of excuses about why it doesn’t work.

I want you to know my support is always available.

If you relate to any of this information and want to learn more about how I can help you, or if you want to schedule a free phone conversation to see if my coaching is right for your family, please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Your parenting counts!