After a long day at work or being home with the kids, having juggled the pieces of family life all day, the last thing you have the energy to deal with at the end of the day is a power struggle with your toddler or preschooler.

When 5 o’ clock rolls around you’re completely exhausted and who has the patience or willpower to battle the endless arguing and defiance over what to eat, how to behave, taking a bath, brushing teeth, or negotiating bedtime?

The reality is your kiddos are still figuring out how to navigate their world and family life. Their behavior speaks for them as they too find themselves tired, overwhelmed, frustrated, or angry at the end of the day (or any time of the day for that matter) with little ability to identify or express their feelings in constructive ways.

When we accept that behavior is not random but rather is a form of communication it’s important we look at our role in dealing with children’s behavior differently.

What if you shifted your focus from yelling, threatening or punishing your child for their misconduct and looked rather at adapting the conditions at home so they can learn the skills they need to be successful?

As Alexander den Heijer, an inspirational speaker from the Netherlands writes, “When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”

When faced with defiant behavior in our kids we need to look at the environment and discover why the misbehavior: Do they need more autonomy? Are they receiving enough attention? Are the expectations realistic and clear? Does your child need more structure and support? Is your parenting providing enough guidance?

All these factors may affect your child’s behavior and so it becomes necessary for us to take a critical look at our homes, our parenting, and the experiences we create for our children and how those might be contributing to their behavior.

We also need to shift the focus from punishment to support. We can’t punish kids for skills they may not have. Your kids need to be respected and feel appreciated and then it’s our job as parents to teach alternate behaviors.

There are many techniques to use with children who test limits, argue with directions, and typically do the exact opposite of what you’ve asked them to do.

What I’ve learned from my years coaching with parents is that children are active learners. Your kids learn best and will be more interested in listening and complying with you when you’ve built a nurturing and responsive home environment, when you have a strong connected relationship with them, and when their bodies and minds are actively engaged in the learning process.

One of the more effective ways to parent responsively and with connection, getting your child engaged and cooperating with you, is to act as the narrator of your child’s life - naming what your child is doing, saying, feeling, experiencing, and providing them with on-going dialogue. “You’re picking that up and putting it in the box. Oh, it doesn’t fit in the box and that makes you angry. Now you’re trying to find a new way to get it into the box and you did it! Now you’re proud of yourself!

Children will respond differently to your narrating. Allow time for your child to respond however they find appropriate. Your child may take time to clarify your misunderstanding of the situation and provide more clarity and information, or they may simply nod in agreement, or not respond at all. All these responses are okay.

You can respond to misunderstandings by clarifying any new information that your child has provided (“Oh, so the baby isn’t sad, she’s mad because I’m sitting on her toy”) and then continue with narrating your child’s experiences.

If your child is working through a challenge, problem or question and appears stuck, say, “I wonder what would happen if...” and then provide a tiny possible solution to the question or problem. (“Hmm...that block won’t fit in the box like that. I wonder what would happen if you tried another hole”). When your child solves the problem, provide a summary of what your child did to solve the problem and acknowledges their success.

Narrating situations with your child provides an alternative to arguing with them about what they  should do and why they should do it.

An ongoing dialogue allows you to take a less conflicted stance to help your child figure out what the right decision is and why it’s the right decision, giving them experience with autonomy and problem solving.

This technique is great to use when tensions are high and you’re trying to stop a behavior or when tensions are low and you’re having fun together. This approach also works well when your child is frustrated or if they’re trying to solve a problem or are facing a challenge.

In the first few years of life your kiddos are called upon to master an enormous number of skills. They learn to walk, talk, and communicate in a way that others can understand. They’re learning so much cognitively (colors, numbers, letters, shapes and other things we deem important), and socially they learn the skills they need to play together with others.

Learning to listen and cooperate and be a functioning member of your family should be viewed as one of the plethora of early childhood skills your child needs to learn, practice and master.

Changing patterns of behavior is hard and it can be confusing and challenging to try new things. It’s also easy to give up when something new doesn’t work out and then to come up with plenty of excuses about why it doesn’t work.

I need you to know support is always available. If you relate to any of this information and want to learn more about how I can help you, or if you want to schedule a free phone conversation to see if my coaching is right for your family, please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Your parenting counts!

Your kids want to do well. They want to make good choices. Your children truly want to be successful.

“Kids do well if they CAN … if they could do well, they would do well. If not, something must be getting in the way” (Dr. Ross Greene).

If you have a child who’s struggling with challenging behaviors you need to know they’re not trying to make your life difficult. Your little one is not trying to ruin your day!

Behavior is a skill and lagging skills are what are preventing kids from meeting the expectations of more appropriate behavior.

A simple mistake many of us parents make when dealing with our kids’ challenging behaviors is that we focus only on the behavior. We bribe and reward our kids in an attempt to encourage the behaviors we like, and we punish them when problem behaviors occur.

If all we focus on is the challenging behavior with our kids, we miss what’s most important - the opportunity to discover and understand what is causing the behavior (what is getting in the way of their success) and the ability to create solutions with our kids which teach the needed skills they are lagging in.

Believe it or not, challenging behavior is normal in young children. I often meet with panicked parents in my coaching practice whose internal alarms are blaring that there is something wrong with their child. They’re sure a mental health diagnosis is needed, and they’re worried their toddler or preschooler is headed down a bad path because of their defiant, aggressive, non-compliant or other challenging behavior. This simply isn’t true.

When we view behavior as a skill and we know which skills our kids are lagging in then our most important job as parents is to teach!

If we want our little ones to ride a bike, we teach them. If we want them to learn to swim, we teach them. If we want them to behave appropriately, we cannot bribe and punish them … we need to teach skills and appropriate behavior expectations.

With your love and support there is lots you can do to help your child manage their behavior.

Look beyond the behavior. Focus instead on determining the lagging skills that might be causing the behavior.

Think about your expectations. Make sure the bar for your expectations is realistic for your child’s developmental age and is close to their skill level.

Brainstorm alternatives. Many times parents come up with solutions that are done TO their child. What you need to do is come up with solutions WITH your child. When things are calm talk with your child about other ways they could handle the situation (or their behavior) next time.

Stay calm and model empathy. Take a deep breath and pause before you react. When you have a calm, level head, you are better able to determine your child’s lagging skills. You’ll also be better able to show your child you care and empathize with his/her struggles in these lagging skill areas.

Supervise. Your child may need more supervision than others their age with behaviors that are challenging. Stay close, present and aware. As your child matures and builds more skills less supervision will be needed.

Your child’s behavior may seem like they are intentionally acting out to get their way or it may seem like a personal attack against you. You may feel that they are choosing not to handle a situation even though they know better.

I wonder how things would change in your family if you remind yourself that challenging behavior is a sign that your child needs your help. Your toddler or preschooler has limited coping strategies and problem solving skills. These are skills you can teach them.

Children have a lot to learn. If you can be there with support and a willingness to teach, your child will learn new skills. They’ll make better choices, they’ll do well, and they will be successful.

Support is always available. Changing patterns of behavior is hard and it can be confusing to try new things.

If you relate to any of this information and want to learn more about how I can help you, or if you want to schedule a free phone conversation to see if my work is right for your family, please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Your parenting counts!

What’s challenging for you? Is it your kids not listening? Constant fighting between siblings? Are you struggling with rude behavior?

Young children are just beginning to figure out how to navigate their world and find themselves often frustrated, overwhelmed, or angry, with little ability to name – let alone express their feelings in constructive ways.

Young children usually don’t know why they’re behaving in certain ways. That’s because not only do they lack the ability to articulate their feelings, they are often at a loss for how to identify their needs – both emotional and physical.

Children’s emotional needs are usually the hardest for them to vocalize or identify. Instead, their behavior speaks for them and communicates to us that something is not right, or their needs are not being met.

There is always a reason for problem behavior. The purpose may be to get someone’s attention, to stop an activity they don’t like, to gain sensory pleasure, or because they have not learned the appropriate skill. Repeated challenging behavior is your child’s way of sending a very loud message!

This is where parenting can be downright difficult. You’ll need to take a critical look at your role in dealing with your child’s behavior. If behavior is a form of communication, consider if you might be contributing to your child’s behavior. Do you have a sense of what they’re trying to communicate to you? Do you maybe need to deal with their behaviors differently? Can you shift your focus from punishment to support as you respond to the behaviors that occur?

Once parents interpret and understand what children are communicating through their behavior and address the underlying issues your child will no longer need to communicate it through their behavior. Once the meaning behind the behavior is understood you can respond better to your child’s challenging behaviors in ways that are more likely to de-escalate the situation while teaching alternate behaviors they need to be successful.

In order to do this, you’ll also need to know and understand your child for the individual they are. You’ll need to understand your child’s temperament, strengths, interests, and concerning behaviors. When you respect and appreciate your kids for the different individuals they are rather than trying to change them, you can meet their unique needs. When you learn to understand your children in this way they no longer have to act out to communicate and get the attention they need and deserve.

We all want to raise kids who are happy, productive and can cope with real life. That’s the goal of parenting, right?

Without understanding that behavior is communication, challenging behavior will continue to re-occur despite your best attempts to change it.

For your child’s optimal growth and development you’ll need to proactively address challenging behavior and take the compassionate view. See the behavior through your child’s perspective, understand the communication, and meet their physical and emotional needs. Only then can you give them what they are really craving when they act out, your support.

Changing patterns of behavior is hard and it can be confusing to try new things.

If you can relate to any of this information and want to learn more about how I can help you, or if you want to schedule a free phone conversation to see if my work is right for your family, please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Adapted for parents from the work of Michelle Salcedo, M.Ed. in her book “Uncover the Roots of Challenging Behavior.”

All human beings- young and old have the same social-emotional needs. When parents meet these needs consistently in their children’s lives, kids grow up happy, fulfilled and better able to reach their full potential.

1. To be safe and secure. Children need to feel that they are living and learning in a safe environment and that the adults in their lives are working to keep them from physical and emotional harm. They need parents to protect their feelings and not put them in situations in which they cannot succeed.
2. To be loved and have a sense of self-worth. Children need to know that their parents think they are the center of the universe. They need to believe there is someone who will go to the end of the earth for them to show them they matter.
3. To receive attention and be understood. Children need to know that someone is paying attention to them. They need to expect that parents value what they have to say and take joy in what they do.
4. To have a sense of control and predictability. Children need to feel like they have some control in their lives. They need parents who are predictable in their behaviors and who structure the day with predictable routines and rituals.
5. To recognize and be able to handle strong feelings. Children need to know that the emotions that overwhelm them sometimes are normal. They need parents to remain calm in the face of their feelings, to help them give their feelings a name, and to provide them with safe and healthy ways to express their feelings.
6. To have a sense of power and feel independent and competent. Children need to feel powerful sometimes. They build this sense of power when given choices, when presented with tasks at which they can succeed (sometimes with a little help), and when parents notice what they do well.
7. To be engaged in stimulating pursuits. Children need to experience the world. Their brains develop when they are presented with interesting materials to see, touch, hear, smell, and taste.
8. To enjoy relationships and have a sense of belonging. Children need to know that if they were not in this world, someone would miss them. They need to feel their parents are glad they are theirs and that they can count on their parents to be there for them.

I don’t know about you but when one of my kids is unhappy, I’m not happy.

Their unhappiness is difficult for me to watch. It’s like there’s an invisible string connecting my emotions to theirs - and their unhappiness unsettles my own happiness and stirs up a storm of emotions in me.

Over the years I’ve felt my children’s discontent right alongside them. And for many years I thought it was my job to keep my kids happy. I took responsibility to fix the cause of the unhappiness (solve the problem), fix their feelings and make it all better again - for both of us!

I have since learned that no one is happy all the time. Everyone feels sad, angry, frustrated, irritated, lonely or unhappy at times.

We have a myriad of feelings we need to learn to live with. Strong feelings are healthy and normal. A part of growing up is for children to learn to recognize, name and regulate their big feelings. We need to teach children how to be in charge of their own emotions.

Here are 5 ways to help your child get comfortable with their emotions.

1. Support your child’s expression of all their feelings. Let them move through their emotions at their own pace rather than trying to manage their feelings or convince them how they should feel. Stop saying, “You’re okay” or “Don’t cry” or “You’re not really mad about that, are you?” Rather, sit beside them. Mirror what happened. Acknowledge what they might be feeling in the moment and validate those feelings.

2. Teach your child to recognize and name their feelings. Kids feel less overwhelmed and more in control when they are able to communicate their emotions. As the saying goes, “If you can name it, you can tame it.”

3. Don’t say too much. Us parents are doers. We jump right in and want to fix. Resist the urge to cure their unhappiness. Actively listen to what they have to say and quietly allow space for your child to talk about their experience. Listen but don’t fix (as hard as that is to do). Be patient with the process as young children take time to organize their thoughts.

4. Respect their feelings and offer suggestions for the handling of their emotions. “Wow, I can see you’re feeling angry! Let’s go run and jump so you can get those angry feelings out.” Or “You are feeling so sad. Would you like to draw a picture of your sadness?”

5. Connect. Pay attention to your own feelings so you can be available for your child. Make eye contact and take time to get on your child’s level where you can make a real connection, draw them in and take in what they have to say.

I have come to learn that rescuing kids from their big emotions sabotages their growing, and their ability to understand, tolerate and work through their own emotions.

I know that in reality I cannot be responsible for how my children will feel. My kids will learn a lot in life through their struggles and failures. They don’t need me to save them from their feelings. They must go through some hard times with strong emotions which will build their resilience and strengthen their character.

My kids need me to support them when they put themselves out there and try new things. They need to know I am in their corner as they experience life – the times they are feeling happy and when they are feeling not so happy. No judgement. No correction. Just support.

Changing patterns of behavior is hard and it can be confusing to try new things.
If you relate to any of this information and want to learn more about how I can help you, or if you want to schedule a free phone conversation to see if my work is right for your family, please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
Your parenting counts!

When your child is feeling down or they’re struggling with a situation in their little lives your first impulse as a caring parent is to fix it for them. Because, let’s face it, if we can get them back to feeling happy we’ll feel happier too.

In these moments that can be confusing for kids your child is learning about their emotions and about the real world. What is most needed from you is to offera safe place. A place of understanding and empathic listening for your child to share their ups and downs – not for you to solve their problems - as hard as that is for you to resist.

Children need to feel understood by parents who care and understand how to listen. You don’t have to say the perfect thing at the perfect time, you simply need to be willing to listen and ready to respond to your child’s needs.

If you want your kids to come to you with their problems and to talk to you on those not -so- good days, here are 4 important things to keep in mind…..

1. Your first response matters. It’s important you respond calmly and with empathy. Put yourself in your child’s shoes and try to understand what they may be feeling. A simple response that offers connection and understanding is what’s needed. You could try a response like, “Wow, that must have been hard” or “I can see how sad you are about that.”
2. Stop what you’re doing. Giving your child your full attention will let them know they’re important. Your child will know you’re interested and you care about what they are saying. You need to invest time listening to your toddler or preschooler talk about the little things like who was mean or who didn’t want to play with them. If you listen attentively to the little stuff when they are young they will share the bigger stuff in the future.
3. Give less advice. Resist the urge to solve the problem when your child is struggling. When we give kids the solutions it usually ends the conversation. It’s better to get curious about their struggle and help your child verbalize their problem. Ask questions like “I wonder why … ?” or “What do you think … ?” If your child does need help solving a problem it’s better to work together on finding a solution. Don’t fix it for them.
4. Have a conversation. Don’t let your discussion turn into a lecture. As parents this is naturally what we want to do to make sure our kids hear our point of view loud and clear. Keep the conversation focused on your child- how they feel or how they would like to move forward with the situation. Kids will avoid coming to you with the tough stuff if they feel it will lead to a one-sided conversation. Lectures also leave kids feeling unheard and alone with their thoughts and feelings.

Every child is different when it comes to sharing what’s going on. Some kids take a while to open up, some share easily and want to share a million details.

When you take the time to love and listen you create trust. By fostering this safe and trusting space in your relationship with your kids they’ll always know there are no topics that are off limits and there is nothing they can’t discuss with you.

Changing patterns of behavior is hard and it can be confusing to try new things.

If you can relate to any of this information and want to learn more about how I can help you with your communication and becoming an approachable parent, or if you want to schedule a free phone conversation to see if my work is right for your family, please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Parents, do you dread having to take your toddler with you to the store because you fear them spread out on the floor throwing a temper tantrum?

Do you find yourself exasperated from deep negotiations with your preschooler over whether she can wear her princess dress to school for the fifth day in a row?

It may be helpful for you to know you’re not alone! You’re a good parent (even though it may not feel like it in these moments) but navigating the early years of parenting isn’t easy.

Toddlers and preschoolers are at an age where they’re becoming more independent and discovering themselves as individuals. They’re beginning to understand that their actions matter, yet they still have limited self-control and are not rational thinkers. It’s a challenging combination for your parenting and punishing your little guys for their behavior won’t work.

The truth is kids learn very little from any kind of punishment.

The punishment model for parenting that comes so naturally for all of us doesn’t work with your kiddo because punishment doesn’t teach new skills and so can’t improve future behavior.

Lecturing and punishment only lead to feelings of shame and insecurity. As your kids get older it results in them not trusting you and they often shut down, keep secrets and frequently lie. That’s not what any of us set out to intentionally create with our parenting.

So, it’s time for a new model of parenting that actually works to improve behavior. It’s time for parenting that involves more positive communication and interactions with your child.

When we use a respectful approach in parenting our children are better able to understand and learn from us. Positive interactions (even when disciplining your child) create a climate of love, helps build self-esteem, and promote your child’s sense of responsibility for their actions - all of which are required for changing behavior.

Positive communication that supports behavior change is:

• Calm
• Non-judgmental and provides objective information about behavior.
• Tentative and flexible to allow for mistakes, differing opinions and possibilities.
• Specific to the situation and doesn’t include words like “always” and “never.”
• Finds the positive in a difficult trait, behavior, or situation.

Parenting toddlers and preschoolers means we should expect rough spots most days. Certain situations and times of the day tend to trigger misbehavior. When you find yourself getting pushed over the edge remember punishment is not helpful (and in some cases can be harmful and destructive). Keep your cool (a topic to be explored in another blog post) and remind yourself that calm and positive communication is a powerful tool for influencing real behavior changes in your child.

Positive communication should leave you feeling good about yourself, your children feeling good about themselves, and your relationship preserved. This is what we intentionally do want to set out to create with our parenting!

If you find yourself struggling to parent differently, or need support implementing new positive parenting strategies, you are not alone.

Changing patterns of behavior is hard and it can be confusing to try new things.

If you can relate to any of this information and want to learn more about how I can help you, or if you want to schedule a free phone conversation to see if my work is right for your family, please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Does your preschooler have a lot to talk about? Does it feel like they’re talking all the time?

Preschoolers love to tell stories. Are you bored to bits hearing your child tell the same story over and over…. AND OVER AGAIN? Do you know when your preschooler repeats ideas and stories it helps them process what’s going on in their world?

Preschoolers want to talk about everything and anything as their new language skills are coming together for them, and at the same time, they are constantly fascinated by the world around them. So what’s a parent to do?

Talking with your kiddos is a two way street. It’s about talking with them AND hearing what they have to say. Listening is just as important as talking when it comes to your kids sharing their thoughts, feelings, and ideas with you.

When you stop what you’re doing and give your child your full attention whenever you can it shows your child you’re listening. When you get down on their level and make eye contact it sends the message that they’re important to you and what they are thinking and saying are important too.

This is especially important when you need to answer a tough question, or talk to your kids about a difficult situation, or have a conversation about something that is bothering or upsetting your child.

Effective communication with your preschooler (or kids of any age) can be so hard!

Here are a few strategies to keep in mind for your parent-child conversations:

1. Be aware of your triggers and monitor and regulate your own emotions. Be mindful of not letting your fears, worry, irritation or frustration get in the way of a good conversation with your child.
2. Honesty really is the best policy. Keep conversations age appropriate and simple but keep things real.
3. Validate Feelings. Let your kids know you understand how they are feeling if you’re having an emotional conversation. When children’s emotions are validated they feel understood and they feel safe. Two important requirements for healthy and open communication.
4. Use positive language. Think about the way you talk to your kids. Is it with thought and consideration? Eliminate words that may be ridiculing (“You’re being a big baby”), blaming (“You never listen- that’s why this happened”), or shaming (“I was so ashamed of you today”). Talk to your kids with the same consideration as if you were talking to a friend.
5. Ask open ended questions. These are questions your preschooler can’t answer with one word answers. These questions invite your kiddos to say more and share more about their thoughts and feelings.
6. Keep it simple and check for understanding. As parents we like our words and sometimes (make that many times!) we waffle on too long, or what we’re trying to say is too complicated for them to understand. If your child isn’t understanding your message, try to rephrase. Be more careful with your choice of words and use shorter, simpler sentences.

Remember, you do not have to handle all your conversations perfectly. What’s important is that with effective, honest and authentic communication your kids will always know you love them, are there to listen to them and help them, no matter what. It’s through this loving relationship that conversations happen, and children thrive!

If you can relate to any of this information or if you find yourself struggling to parent differently, or need support implementing new positive communication strategies, you are not alone. Change is hard work and it takes time. There are no magic quick fixes in parenting and there’s no short cuts to a more connected relationship with your child.

If you want to learn more about how I can help you parent in a way that promotes and develops changes in yourself, your child, and your family, or if you want to schedule a free phone conversation to see if my work is right for your family, please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Discipline is about teaching. It’s about helping children learn to make better choices. It’s about helping kids develop self-control. Discipline is about guiding and influencing our children to cooperate better with us, and it’s about helping your children learn to take ownership of their behavior and to own their successes and failures.

Discipline is about many things, so what’s the best way to use discipline effectively?

How do we parent children so they listen, care and are motivated to engage with us and learn what we are teaching?

Research points to using intrinsic motivation.

We’re all born with intrinsic motivation. It’s how we learn to sit up, crawl, walk and talk. The action we are working towards learning is appealing because the reward comes from the mastery of the skill itself.

This is very different to extrinsic motivation, getting your kids to cooperate using external influences like rewards, punishment, threats and bribes. The problem with external motivation is rewards only work for the short term and you run the risk of your child only cooperating if there is a reward involved.

Do you want your kids asking what’s in it for them every time you need them to do a simple task like brush their teeth or put on their shoes?

Are you really going to offer them a dollar to encourage and motivate (actually bribe) them to score a goal in the soccer game?

On the flip side, when rewards stop working we’re left turning to threats and punishment to get the job done and that doesn’t feel good to anybody.

Because the impact of extrinsic motivators is fleeting (and we need to keep offering bigger rewards to keep it working) research shows that children who expect a reward for an activity are less likely to engage in that same activity later compared with children who are intrinsically motivated.

If you are looking to build skills and create long term behavior changes in your kids focus your parenting on building intrinsic motivation that comes naturally from within your child.

Motivation coming from within your child is so much more powerful as it brings a genuine engagement for learning, a true desire for change and a healthy motivation to work with us parents rather than against us.

Here are 5 suggestions for building intrinsic motivation in your kids

Connect: Spend time with your kids and learn about what they find naturally interesting and motivating. Each of your kids will be different and building a supportive relationship with each of them reinforces positive behaviors in a powerful way.

Praise effort rather than success. Praise your kids for their efforts despite the outcomes. Praising effort will build their confidence in their ability to work hard for something that is important to them.

Provide choices and encourage autonomy. Begin as early as the toddler years to offer options. Would you like to put your clothes in the laundry basket now or after your bath? Being able to choose helps kids feel empowered and generates autonomy and intrinsic motivation.

Provide feedback: Again, focus on the process rather than the end product. Pointing out milestones your kids are reaching along the way can be helpful in showing them how far they’ve come. Breaking large tasks into smaller parts helps kids stay focused, allowing us to provide positive feedback and leaves kids feeling successful. Celebrating positive actions and recognizing the good things your kids are doing and providing positive feedback on that, rather than focusing on their short comings, also brings feelings of success and inspires and motivates kids to reach for the next goal.

Have realistic expectations. As adults the thruth is we are not focused and motivated all the time, so it would be pretty unrealistic for us to expect our children to be. We all have off days and that’s ok! Be patient with your kids on those more challenging days.

If your goal is to raise kids who grow up to be happy, capable, and contributing members of your family (and society) we have to limit extrinsic motivators. I know that is hard!

Maybe you don’ start by removing all external motivators all together.

For now, making just a small shift to begin limiting external rewards is a really good place to start making changes in your parenting and starting to focus on naturally motivating your kids for the long run.

If you find yourself struggling to parent differently, or need support implementing new positive parenting strategies, you are not alone.

Changing patterns of behavior is hard and it can be confusing to try new things.

Parent coaching will provide you with the learning, support, and encouragement you need to help you get clear about your parenting and begin to make practical, long lasting changes.

If you can relate to any of this information and want to learn more about how I can help you parent in a way that promotes and develops these skills in your child, or if you want to schedule a free phone conversation to see if my work is right for your family, please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Tonight, was the last class for my Parenting Toddlers and Preschoolers Calmly and Confidently series.

Our class was a diverse group of committed parents who showed up faithfully for 8 weeks to learn about their children’s development, find new more effective tools around discipline and parenting, and get answers to their parenting challenges.

The evening class has a number of couples who attend the class together and it’s always encouraging to see how many dads are taking an active role in learning and parenting. For our group it enriches our conversations to have great input and questions from a dad’s perspective.

As we were wrapping up the class and I was answering final questions from parents, one of the dads’ asked a really interesting and thoughtful question.

“From everything we have learned what would you say are the three most important skills our kids cannot live without – where should we focus our parenting?”

While there are many skills you want to be mindful to build and develop in your kids if you were to limit your focus to just three skills, my response to him was, “social skills, emotional regulation, and resilience.” Hands down, these are the most essential skills necessary for your kid’s success and happiness in all aspects of life.

As with most things in life, your kids will have their strengths and challenges in each of these skill areas. As parents it’s helpful to consider where your child’s abilities are when it comes to these skills and plan your parenting accordingly, making sure you are modeling and teaching the skills you want them to learn.

Social skills determine your children’s ability to promote and maintain mutual, positive connections with other children. It’s their ability to make friends and get along with others. There are many skills that fall into this category including:

• Understanding and empathizing with others - how sensitive your child is to the feelings of others. Are they highly responsive to others or emotionally distant? How do they express empathy and caring to others?
• Working and playing cooperatively with others.
• Communicating and expressing themselves effectively
• Resolving conflicts constructively.

Emotional Regulation is your child’s ability to cope with their emotions. Children need to be able to express their emotions and manage their behaviors in healthy ways. For most toddlers and many preschoolers this skill is easier said than done. Emotional regulation begins with your kids being able to identify their feelings. How good is your child at identifying their feelings? Your children need to be able to name their emotions if they are then going to be able to express them appropriately, especially when their feelings (positive or negative) are running particularly strong.

Resilience is your child’s ability to deal with challenges and obstacles and continue to thrive. Does your child put themselves in challenging situations or do they try to avoid them? Parents need to help children recognize their abilities and inner strengths and resources so your kids grow up knowing they can handle situations effectively when they arise.

Being aware of these necessary skills is the first step toward changing and becoming more effective in your parenting. It’s always the goal for children to grow up to be more resilient, more capable, and happier kids who reach their full potential.

If you find yourself struggling to parent differently, or need support implementing new positive parenting strategies, you are not alone.

Changing patterns of behavior is hard and it can be confusing to try new things.

If you can relate to any of this information and want to learn more about how I can help you parent in a way that promotes and develops these skills in your child, or if you want to schedule a free phone conversation to see if my work is right for your family, please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.