Babies are born wired for social connection and from infancy they are ready to start building relationships with the people around them. The process of children learning to communicate and cooperate with others, share, take turns, resolve conflicts, and control their emotions and behavior is a long one. As parents, we are our children’s first teachers and children need loving, sensitive parents to start teaching them good social skills when they are young. We will need to continue teaching and providing social opportunities for them to keep practicing and developing these skills well into their teenage years.

As parents, there are several key social skills we need to be aware of. We need to help and support our children in learning and mastering these skills so they can be successful in their interactions with others.

Conversation. Young children like to talk, but not always to each other. Toddlers and many preschoolers need help to become more comfortable talking to peers their own age. Help your children practice good conversation skills like talking in turn and talking on topic.
Cooperation. Cooperation is the ability to get along with others. It requires skills like sharing, taking turns, and waiting patiently for a turn. Learning to cooperate with others can be difficult and takes time and practice. Children learn from intentional teaching of these skills as well as modeling. Take advantage of being a role model and let your child see you cooperating with others during every day social interactions.
Empathy. Having empathy is key to strong social skills. The more children can understand and respond to the emotional needs of others, the more they are liked by their peers. To build emotional competence it is important to talk to children about feelings. Talk about your own feelings, encourage them to talk about their feelings, and have sensitive conversations with your child about how others might be feeling in different situations.
Conflict Resolution. Young children are egocentric and not really great at solving problems. It is common for young children to resort to physical behaviors like hitting, grabbing and biting when they are frustrated. When your child has a problem with a peer it is important to encourage a positive and constructive attitude toward solving the problem. Teach them to come up with alternate behaviors or solutions to the problem. Intervene when necessary but let older preschoolers work out problems themselves when possible.
Communication. Children need to learn to communicate their feelings, wants and needs clearly. As speech improves and vocabulary increases young children will be able to communicate better. Maintaining a warm and loving relationship with your child allows them to communicate openly with you. This in turn translates into better communication with others.
Self-Control. Learning self-control begins at a young age and is an ongoing process. When we take the time to coach children through their emotions, and respond to strong emotions in soothing and supportive ways, children learn that their feelings are manageable and in their control.
Personal Space. Young children are notorious for getting in other people’s space. Children need to know and understand that everyone needs personal space to feel comfortable. This is a skill you can actively teach and practice with your child.

Good social skills are essential to school and life success and happiness. As parents being aware of these elements of social competence helps us to encourage and nurture these skills in our children. When our children are excluded or rejected by peers (which is a fact of preschoolers’ lives) we need to reflect a positive attitude toward these setbacks and continue to provide our children positive ways to learn, practice, and interpret the social events that are a critical part of their daily lives.

Children aren’t born knowing how or why to behave well. They aren’t born knowing how to take turns, not to color on the walls, or how to control their big emotions when you won’t buy them a new toy at the store. As parents, it is our job to teach our kids impulse control and the behaviors they will need to be more successful and happy.

Teaching young children appropriate behaviors is hard work and takes time. There is no magical, easy, or perfect approach to teaching children to make better choices or to encourage new behaviors. There is no one-size-fits all approach. Children are different and parents are different. What works for one family might not work for another.

Here are five basic reminders all parents should consider for constructively teaching new behavior:

1. Love. Children need to feel our unconditional love every day. They need to know they are loved for who they are, not just when they are being good. We need to make time every day to give children our positive attention. We need to work at building a loving relationship with them where bonds are built on trust and mutual respect.

2. Be mindful of your own emotions. Adding your own emotions to children’s intense emotions is never constructive. When you find yourself getting upset it’s important to slow down, take a deep breath and think of the bigger picture. Decreasing your stress and keeping calm allows you to intervene with your child and their behavior in a way that doesn’t make things worse.

3. The reasons behind a child’s behavior matter. Behavior does not happen for no reason. It is not random. Behavior is purposeful and children use their behavior to communicate. When you pay attention to what your child might be needing in the present moment you are on your way to understanding the motivation for your child’s behavior. When we recognize the particular source of a behavior we can accurately teach children more positive and effective ways to get their needs met. When you know the behavior’s source you can also be more thoughtful in your parenting response to your children’s misbehavior and pay more attention to meeting their needs.

4. You need proper parenting tools. You can’t approach every misbehavior in the same way. It’s essential to have a variety of parenting tools at your disposal to effectively address the multitude of behavior challenges that arise in childhood. It is also important to have tools that are focused on positive discipline rather than relying on punishment to change behavior. If you feel you have too limited a toolbox of effective tools it may be helpful to take a parenting class or meet with a parenting professional to learn more strategies that are helpful, effective, and suited to your parenting needs.

5. Give extra support and extra practice. Learning new behaviors takes time and means mistakes are going to happen along the way. As parent’s it requires us to be consistent and be patient. Your children should know the exact behavior that is expected of them. They should know the rules and the limits. When children struggle to learn from the process we have in place we need to take extra time to clarify the process and to be willing to keep teaching. As you discipline their mistakes keep in mind your child’s need for a sense of love and belonging in your family unit. Always remember the first and most important reminder, Love.

Behavior is learned over our lifetime and shaped by the environment in which we grow up in. Parents aren’t always perfect. Neither are children. It is important to have realistic expectations for yourself and your children and don’t hold children to adult standards. Behavior changes come with time and effort and making changes requires lots of practice. We need to have patience. Your parenting counts!

In the spirit of Mother’s Day I wanted to write a post that was simple, practical, and meaningful. I wanted to take a break from parenting to write about us moms. I do believe that sometimes it is necessary to step away from focusing on the kids and turn our attention on ourselves.

We want our children to be happy. We want them to have friends, achieve academically, and be successful. We have a parenting goal. We are good mothers. We are loving, nurturing, giving, and kind. We worry about our kids, read articles for best parenting practices, ask advice, and enroll our children in classes that support their development and enhance their chances for success. We cook, clean, nurse, chauffer, teach, problem solve, and love our children to the point of exhaustion. Our parenting plan is extensive and our days are full.

When I meet with parents for coaching I am always moved by the love and dedication moms have for their children. Yet when they begin to share their ambitious parenting goals it is almost always I find the conversation slowly turns in the direction of mom’s feeling stressed, overwhelmed and depressed. That is because there is no place in the overflowing parenting plan that schedules time for mom. And it is this simple truth- when mom is depleted, the whole household suffers. If you really want to be a good mom, take care of yourself!

Here are my personal thoughts on taking care of you. I understand that your free time is limited and I know it’s difficult to find time for yourself so these ideas are nothing extravagant. They are basic rituals that are simple to do, easy to implement, and most importantly consider you and your wellbeing in your parenting plan.

First and fore most let go of the guilt! Most of us would rather drop from exhaustion than face the guilt of caring for our own needs.
Know what matters to you, love what matters to you, and spend more time doing what matters to you (a hobby, reading a book, meeting a friend for coffee).
It’s okay not to get it all done. Know it, believe it, and practice it!
Cut yourself some slack. It’s okay if you don’t have it all together all the time. Accept that we are filled with flaws. Our kids will have flaws. Embrace the flaws. Let go of worry. It’s all okay.
From time to time, walk away and let someone else handle frustrating situations.
Give up the control.
Exercise for the right reasons - to feel good inside, boost your energy, and relieve stress – not to look a certain way.
Spend time alone. This is an excellent way to regroup, refocus, and remember that you are your own friend
Laugh, love and seek out fun everyday – plan to make those moments happen.
Our children are always watching and learning from us. Through us they learn how to behave and how love themselves. By taking time for yourself you are teaching them that your needs matter too. It’s the small things we do that become our habits, that become our days, that become our years, and that become our lives. So be a good mom. It’s what your kids deserve. Take care of yourself.

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What makes your child's teacher special?

We want to celebrate home daycare providers and preschool teachers, and you can help! In 100 words or less, explain what makes your child's teacher special and how they have had a positive impact on your child. The winning teacher will receive $100 gift card to Lakeshore Learning.

Contest ends May 20, 2017

Children can sense when their parents aren’t in sync when it comes to decisions around discipline. When parents are at different ends of the discipline spectrum the lack of unity creates a sense of family instability and leaves children feeling insecure. Alternatively, when children sense areas of disagreement in parenting they may play one parent against the other and use this division to get around the rules. Either way, when parents disagree on discipline it has an impact on the children.

At some point in every relationship couples will naturally approach parenting differently and disagreement is to be expected. As Dr. John Gottman explains, this is because “every marriage is a cross-cultural experience” where each partner comes from their unique family system. The way you were raised in your family of origin has a profound influence on your opinions and how you parent your child. Couples may talk about their different upbringings before having children but rarely do they realize the impact their different upbringings will have on parenting and family values until they are in the throes of parenting, and their parenting styles begin to clash.

Parenting on the same page helps build a strong, connected family and certainly makes the job of parenting less frustrating and more rewarding. Becoming a parenting team, where partners support each other, requires reconciling differences in parenting and family values and needs a mutual commitment from both parents. Here are five strategies to help become a more united team:

1. Talk about your parenting agenda and parenting goals. Each partner has a parenting agenda. Your agenda is your parenting paradigm based on a set of worries, goals, expectations, and dreams you have for your child. As parents, it is important to set aside time for regular discussions about the expectations you have for your child and any concerns you may have - is your child too bossy, too forgetful, too impulsive, always angry etc. It is also important to discuss the values and life skills you want your child to learn - to be capable, responsible, respectful, connected to family and community, and independent etc. When you have a shared agenda, with clearly communicated goals, you are more likely to come together in your parenting and work collaboratively.

2. Set your sights on compromise. Team parenting is not about right or wrong and it is not about winning or making your partner see things your way. There is no one absolute parenting truth. There are always many ways to think about things. When your partner’s perspective on parenting is different from your own it can be difficult to understand and hard for you to hear your partner’s side of the issue. Get to know your spouse’s family history and how deeply their beliefs are rooted. These differences in how you were raised are often the underlying reasons why you disagree on parenting and discipline issues. Discuss each of your core needs, where you are absolutely not willing to compromise, and talk about areas of parenting where you are more flexible and able to bend. For compromise to work it is important to be curious and open to other perspectives. Gottman states, “Compromise never feels perfect. Everyone gains something and everyone loses something. The important thing is feeling understood, respected, and honored in your dreams.” Curiosity and openness allow you to settle on parenting practices that feel comfortable to both parties.

3. Provide back-up. If one parent is disciplining the kids the other parent must back them up in the moment, even if they do not agree. Doing this will show your child you are a united team and they cannot get around the parenting decisions you make. Later, you can come together to talk about how a situation was handled and decide together if it could be handled differently in the future. This does not apply in cases of neglect or abuse. If you feel your partner’s parenting is physically or emotionally harmful to your child it is necessary for you to take immediate steps to ensure the safety of your child.

4. Communicate positively and listen effectively. To reach a compromise both partners need to feel safe in the communication. Conversations need to be open and honest and each parent needs to remain respectful of the other during the conversation. Use positive communication skills and avoid sarcasm, criticism, defensiveness, and blame. Keep the focus of your conversation on your child and how you want them to behave or what you would like them to learn from this experience or discipline opportunity. When you argue about parenting it is very easy for the focus to shift away from your child and the focus instead becomes parent against parent - when parents fight, kids are off the hook. Spend a few minutes just hearing what your partner has to say. Try not to get stirred up and instead listen from a place of curiosity and try to understand your partner’s perspective. It is important both of you leave the conversation feeling that you have been heard.

5. Take time-out. Compromise cannot be reached in the heat of the moment so make sure to have your parenting conversations when both parties are calm. Take a time-out if you need one. Respect your partner’s need to take a time-out if necessary. Do something you enjoy or that is calming to you – take a walk, read a book, or listen to music. Do not call a friend to share your side of the story and gather support for your argument. When you come back together later focus on understanding and working on a plan for moving forward.

There are no shortages of things to disagree on throughout your child’s life. Children don’t like to see their parents not getting along. Keep in mind you are a team, fighting on the same side. Choose your battles carefully. Your parenting counts!

Isn’t it remarkable how whenever you are talking on the phone, responding to an email, or talking to another adult, it is almost without fail that your children will constantly interrupt you. No matter how many times we ask them not to interrupt, the behavior continues. When you talk calmly and ask nicely, the behavior continues. You may resort to using threats, yelling, and punishment but that never seems to work and the annoying behavior still continues. It may leave you wondering why is it so hard for young kids to learn this lesson?

There are several reasons why children interrupt and as we explore these reasons it is important to keep in mind the premise that behaviors are not random. Behavior is a form of communication and all behavior is goal-oriented. When our children misbehave, we need to know that the misbehavior is a symptom of a deeper root cause that is driving the behavior. When we are attuned to our children, and when we focus on trying to understand and address the root cause of their behavior, we are more likely to succeed in eliminating unwanted behaviors.

Interrupting behaviors can be a need for attention. What children really want is our positive attention. When we respond calmly and kindly asking them not to interrupt while we are talking on the phone, that interaction rewards children with the positive attention fix they are looking for. If children are in need of an attention fix and we react with frustration and anger by reprimanding them for interrupting us, our negative responses also provide an attention fix and meets the underlying need for attention. Because children always get a response from you, positive or negative, the interrupting behavior is reinforced for them as a successful way to get your attention.

Preschoolers interrupt because they are still learning that the world does not revolve around them. Young children are focused on their own needs and have not yet realized that parents have needs too. As children’s social skills mature they will become more considerate and learn to pay attention to other people’s needs and the endless interruptions will begin to decrease.

Another reason for your child's interruptions is that he or she can't yet judge what an emergency is. With young children everything has a sense of urgency. It takes time for children to learn when something is genuinely urgent (someone is hurt) and when it is not urgent (a sibling took their toy). This lack of discrimination between urgent and not urgent drives their need to share their thoughts immediately.

Finally, young children may be interrupting constantly because they are still building skills in delaying gratification and they don’t have a sense of time. Children don’t have a sense that you are busy now but will be free to attend to them in a few minutes. This lack of sense of time coupled with the desire to get their needs met instantly makes it hard for young children to wait until you are done and ready to attend to them. Teaching kids to wait patiently is a skill that builds with practice and over time.

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How to handle interrupting:

Take time to teach your child the appropriate behavior of waiting until you are available. Let your child know in advance that moving forward if they rudely interrupt you when you are talking you will not respond to that behavior, and you will walk away. Planned ignoring allows you to not give any undue attention and reinforcement to the misbehavior.

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Plan ahead before you make a phone call or sit down to work. Let your child know what to expect. “I’m going to make a phone call. I’ll be a while, so what would you like to play with while I’m on the phone?” It may also be helpful to create a box of fun games and activities for kids to use when you are going to be on a call or need time to work. Before getting on the phone provide children with the box of goodies. Make sure to put the box away when you are done with work or your phone call so those items remain special and are reserved only for times you do not want to be interrupted.

Whenever possible, before getting on the phone or sitting down to answer emails let your child know that they are deserving of your full attention. Share with them that you will give them all your attention, just as soon as you are done on the phone. Be sure to keep your word!

Teach your children how to determine if something is urgent and warrants an interruption. Discuss examples of when it’s okay to interrupt, such as when someone is at the door, or if they are hurt. Role play with your child different scenarios to really help with learning and understanding.

Coach good manners. Teach your child positive ways to get your attention. Teach them how to wait for a pause in the conversation and to say, “Excuse me” or to gently squeeze your arm if they urgently need you. When he or she remembers to do this, respond positively. If the interruption is about something that should wait, let them know you will respond when you are done with your conversation. It may take a little while for them to grasp so keep working with them.

Read books on the topic. Some suggestions are “My Mouth Is a Volcano” and “The Interrupting Chicken.” Stories can be the gateway to great conversations about interrupting.

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Give praise when deserved. Catching your child doing the right thing can be the best lesson of all. Praise your child for waiting patiently, using good manners, and for remembering to interrupt only for a valid reason.

Dealing with young children who constantly demand your attention can be exhausting. Keep in mind that your preschooler isn’t trying to irritate you. Children are learning how to be considerate, wait patiently, and how to be polite. Until children get older it’s important to keep teaching about not interrupting and more polite ways to let you know he or she has something to say.